I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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