The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
