Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
