I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
