eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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