No awkward lesbian experiences without me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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