I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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