somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
