I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
