Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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