I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
