Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
