im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
