i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We had to coat check the pizza.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
