I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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