if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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