Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
