i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
