i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
