I just cut my nipple shaving
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
