I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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