i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
