I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
