I just pynch a tree in the face
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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