frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
