I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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