Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
