i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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