Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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