i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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