I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
