I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
