Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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