I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
