We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
