I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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