Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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