I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
