sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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