my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
