wrigley field is MILF paradise
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
