That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
