So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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