my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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