Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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