I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
