Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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