does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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