I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
