I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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