Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
