eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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