I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
