im drinking this country out of the recession.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
