Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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