A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
